I am so afraid of opening my mouth and letting loose the verbal vomit that so naturally follows that I find myself clamming up around those I most desperately wish to bring into my world. I value their advice, I seek their love and acceptance, but I'm still a big chicken. What if I can't stop? What if they think I'm a big mess? What if I can't articulate what it is that's upsetting me?
Ah, that strikes a nerve. Often times when I'm upset I can't readily articulate what I'm feeling. For an articulate person this is tantamount to having one's legs chopped off and being told to run for dear life. It's paralyzing. All I know is I'm suddenly overwhelmed and I don't know what to do, or it's not an appropriate setting, or I'm just plain afraid of what people will think of me.
It's so much easier to write and to rewrite and share what I want you to see. Honest? Yes. The whole story? No, usually not. And that's not helpful...and that's not going to build community.
But I don't want to be a mess. And certainly not in front of all of you. So I do my best to smile and know it's a facade you see right through. But I don't know how to tell you what I need to tell you. So you'll have to wait...and then it's awkward...and then the moment has passed... And I wonder what I should have said. I formulate a scenario, playing it over and over in my head to perfection. I have it all worked out until it happens again. And then I'm at a loss.
So the first step for me is to pray. The second is to write. The third is to hit "publish" and hope that maybe you'll read this...and I'll be a little less scared to say something next time.
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