The end of the condo-buying stage: The Apartment

It turns out it was not God's plan at this time for me to buy a condo. How do I know this? It fell through because of one measly percent. That doesn't just happen by chance. It was an up, down, around, upside down 24 hours.

Everything was going smoothly and I was finally set to close on December 1.  It seemed like everything was just right. I felt like I needed to pray about it still.  On Tuesday (just a day later) around noon I got a message from my mortgage guy that there was a problem with the loan.  It looked as though the loan was a no-go because the percentage of condo owners that were delinquent on their monthly dues was just over 17%.  The Fannie Mae cut-off is 15%.  "Okay, Lord. You could give it to me, or you could take it away. It's yours."

I got a series of calls and e-mails from my realtor and it looked like the seller's agent got the association to recalculate the numbers and the rate was only 16%.  The seller's agent requested to know the lowest delinquency amount and paid off that owner's dues! (Happy Christmas to that person!!) It looked like we were back on -- hooray! ("Okay, Lord! This was UNexpected! Thank you! You are in control! This is nuts!") I rushed home from my sister's house to sign last minute paperwork.

Wednesday around noon I got word from the mortgage guy that the underwriters of my loan didn't like that the seller's agent had artificially lowered the delinquency amount.  Either it was 15% or it wasn't...no intervention allowed. Ooookay.... Well, hmm.... The options, once again, became "wait and see" or put down 20%.  Neither of those are viable options.

The final word came in when my realtor called to let me know that we were officially "out of bullets".

All I can say is that I feel tremendous peace about all of this.  Is it crazy that the banks refuse to have any flexibility over 1% when I'm the kind of buyer they should be bending over backwards to retain? Perhaps...but that isn't the case today.  So I'm resting in God's Sovereignty, and quite frankly, breathing a sigh of relief!  There is an amazing, wonderful, DEEP peace that comes from knowing God is in control and feeling not even an iota of a pretense of control over the situation myself.

I am feeling rather light after carrying the burden of having to make a lot of "I" decisions: what color paint do I want? What carpet do I want? Who do I call for repairs? etc. A friend pointed out today that "those sound like a lot of "I" questions..." He was right. They aren't decisions I was wanting to make alone. So maybe this isn't the season to buy. I'm content and happy to be moving to a great little apartment instead.

God, in His amazing, detailed, attentive care for His children provided me a great little apartment! It's just what I'd prayed He would provide! I am so blessed that I serve and worship a God that is so attentive, caring, and involved in the big and the little things of my life and the lives of those around me!!

HAAAAAPPPPY THANKSGIVING!

There were so many things for which to be THANKFUL this year! In another post I'll share some of the highlights. Right now, though, here's a few (ok, a lot, but not all!) pictures from the day:

Caleb Lorne

I got the privilege this last weekend to further hone my portraiture skills with one of my favorite little familys: Lorne, Morgan, and not-so-little-anymore Caleb!

Here's a peak at the best of the shots below.  I still have a lot to learn, but I'm loving every minute of it! :)

Sacrificial giving

This question has been troubling me for some weeks now.  I ran a google search out of curiosity and was surprised at how many sites came up. This one stood out to me most: 

"[Wesley] offered himself as a living example of a lifestyle dedicated to radical sacrificial giving and free from the love of money. Each year Wesley calculated what he needed in order to live. Once that figure was calculated he gave away everything in excess of that modest amount. In one particular year Wesley lived on approximately £30 (in today's currency, approximately $2,400). In that same year he earned and gave away an additional £1,400, which means that he gave away nearly 98% of his earnings for that year. Early in his long ministry, in 1743, Wesley wrote, "If I leave behind me £10 . . . you and all mankind bear witness against me that I lived and died a thief and a robber." Wesley regarded his life and wealth as a stewardship, entrusted to him by God for the benefit of those around him."

So, according to Wesley’s example, sacrificial giving means all money not necessary for living ought to be given to the forwarding of the Gospel.  Wow, right? I can’t refute that, or disagree, yet I’m not sure I have faith to live in this manner, and perhaps I’m not called. 

Or am I? I don’t really know. I struggle with frustration sometimes because I hear so many organizations making requests for my money. I want to give generously, but it’s not always easy for me. 

Ugh, I’m in a funk right now. Seriously, though, I really want to know what y’all think? What constitutes “sacrificial” giving? Don’t get me wrong, I’m not trying to find a “magical number” that constitutes sacrifice. I know sacrifice is an attitude, but it’s also an action. So when I feel called to give, how do I determine an amount? I know God has blessed me richly in this season so I can give richly. 

Man, I was both dreading and yet extremely eager to attend the Finance class at Mars Hill this weekend. Alas, it’s been cancelled. Boo! So let me know if you have suggestions/ideas/thoughts. 

On expectations

I've always been told not to have any expectations of others.  This stems almost entirely from the many and deep heartaches I've suffered from crushed hopes and watching others come crashing down from the heights of expectation and anticipation. There are precipices dangerously close on those highest of pedestals. The falls are often prolonged and ugly, leaving friendship marred if not irreparably damaged.

And so I've been taught to have no expectations.  The problem is, I'm a sinner.  I do not do as I should: to look to Christ expectantly, knowing if I align my expectations of Him with the truth of His word I will never be disappointed.  So I'm still fighting the battle of consistent disillusionment.

To compensate for this, I've inverted my expectations.  Instead of expecting everything of everyone, I expect the opposite: and that is not nothing.  The opposite, I have come to realize, is to expect the worst: they won't like me, they'll get tired of me, they'll get frustrated with me, they'll leave me, the won't love me, etc.  This too is sinful.

So how do I return to the middle ground?  Answer: there is no Land of Non-Expectation.  Expectations are there, and perhaps they have a place.  After all, is it wrong to have the expectation that my family will love me, that my boss will show up for work, that there will be consequences if I blow off responsibility?  Of course.

It's time to filter my expectations through a new lens: How do I define my expectations in light of Christ's work on the cross for my salvation?  Through grace and mercy, by which He chose to save me (a sinner and a wretch).   Instead of viewing others through the sinful lens of selfish expectation, I (a sinner saved by grace) must unselfishly see others through the lens through which God sees me: through His son.

So I'll stick to photography

I would like to a writer be

for prose and verse to freely flow

but here I sit, blank and uninspired as the page

I cannot capture the elusive

Words that are not there cannot be caught

Nor thoughts that never formed sought. 

A post about nothing and everything.

My desire, my expectation, and my actions are all headed rapidly in different directions.  The only way to unite them is through prayer and in submission to God’s will.  Yet this is hard because it means giving up at least two, if not all three, of these directions.  His plan for me is perfect just as He is perfect.  So I have to ask myself: “why is this so hard?”  “Why am I having to resubmit my will to HIS every five minutes?”  

I still can’t really wrap my brain around Him giving me the desires of my heart.  I’ve heard it explained two ways: 1. that if my heart is aligned with His will, then my desires are His desires for me, and 2. that He will give me the fruition of these desires.  So what happens when I feel like neither or only the first of these is the case?  Are there desires that are God-given that do not come to fruition in this lifetime?  My thought on this is “yes”, because we live in a fallen world where God allows us to desire things in accordance with His will, but because of my fallenness and the fallenness of this world and those who live in it with me, these things cannot always be fully accomplished. 

So, ugh.  I don’t really like this.  I know that my faith and trust must ultimately be in Him, I just wish He’d make it easier.  It would be so much easier to cling to Him as my all-sufficiency if He’d remove certain desires from my heart unless and until they are to come to fruition.  Would that weaken my faith?  I don’t know, but I know I can pour out my hear to Him and He won’t judge me.  He may or may not grant my prayers, but He always answers, even when it’s with “No, I will not, my sweet child, but cling to me. I AM.” 

So I’m praying...in multiple directions and for various outcomes and people depending on the hour.  And maybe that’s the point: to know that no matter what I earnestly desire, He is ultimately the answer I am seeking in which to hide myself.  To HIM I must cling and wait, and learn, and ask.  I may not always like it, but I know it is good, and he is True. 

One day down!

Whew! All did NOT go according to plan today (what ever does?), but I didn't give up and I have now completed day one's prescribed reading.  In my exuberance to get started, combined with my pre-caffeine brain I read one chapter of EACH of the Gospels this morning instead of just Matthew 1.  This threw me off my timeline, in conjunction with waking up late, so I didn't get all 10 chapters in this morning.  I was contemplating tonight whether I'd bitten off more than I could chew: 10 chapters a day, plus a Beth Moore daily study, plus the 2-3 books I have going already...  "Away from me, Satan!"  My first priority MUST be the Scriptures...and not a pre-chewed, bite sized version, either. I'm in it for the meat: the real protein of 10 chapters a day!  And so I hunkered down and the time passed quickly and pleasantly.  I've decided that since the Psalms and Proverbs come in the middle, and Beth Moore was commending us to SPEAK Scripture, that I will read those two chapters aloud each day. Not only does this speak truth right back to me as I'm reading, it increases retention, puts the devil to flight, and blesses me all the more for receiving the Scriptures in multiple, simultaneous ways. So cool! So that's my day one... 29 more to go and then habit for this season! :)

Gwenna goose and Victoria Joyful

I got the opportunity to take pictures of sweet Tori and babe! It was one of those wonderful times when spontaneity, weather, fall colors, and naptime all aligned and we got to spend a lovely few hours together, taking pictures, holding a CUTE little peanut, enjoying each other's company and God's beautiful creation. Icing on the cake was sweet soon-to-be cousin A, and Auntie Lorna joining us!!!

Just a few of my faves from the day below: